And this is where I feel all alone again, I hate being like this. I just need somebody. I’ve started gaining weight when i’ve been trying to lose it. And it’s been pulling me down into a pool of self pity in which I wallow in. Last night I sat there with that girl all night and she is beautiful. I tried to be cute, I tickled and play fought and laughed and looked longingly towards you. But I couldn’t bring myself to go any further, I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to make a move on you but couldn’t bring myself to isolate the perfect moment. Maybe one where it was just you and me alone, and I’d turn to you and play with your hair, brush it out your face and close my eyes, lean in and boom. But no, I couldn’t, I couldn’t because I don’t know what I’d have done if you’d rejected it, rejected me. I’d have made a fool of myself. And it leaves me wondering why I’m alone, and why I will be for a while. All I want is just someone who I can be with and not have to change but that’s not going to happen. And it is in that moment, after me spending the whole night with you, that when he arrives and steals a kiss from upon those rouge lips, that I feel myself slip under that mask of emotions. A great wall goes up and protects me from the surrounding shrapnel of my feelings that is currently hurtling through the air towards me. And how I wish I could be brave, and go back to the night at the perfect moment with no pressure, and to lean in and be the one to steal your kiss, then maybe, just maybe, things will change…  

If I want to tear apart my own skin I will. Don’t try and stop me.